Let me give you some background. I have a problem with wanting things I can’t or shouldn’t have. The more forbidden the more I seem to want it. It has always been like this and it seems this will always be the case. I don’t remember all the details clearly…things like the exact date or time. I know it must have been fall because we had just gotten back from church and it was early evening but it was already dark out. I was in love with the boy next door since the day I moved into our new home. He was in high school and I was in 8th grade. He had a mean streak and I was naive and polite. Match made in heaven? Well I liked to believe that was true back then…He seemed to want silly ol me, and at my own hindrance I believed I was the one who could change the high school bad boy.
We parked in the garage and you were playing basketball in your back yard. You heard my father send me to the store and quickly handed me a note. On my way to the store I opened the note and to this day (at age 22) I still remember exactly what it said:
Sneak out.
meet me at my back door at 10.
I love you vee.
My stomach was on permanent spin cycle. All the way to the store and back I fought with myself. The smart half of my brain said “don’t do it, you’ll get caught and punished” and every other fiber in my body was telling me ” just do it, if you don’t do it now you won’t ever have this chance again” you know…typical teenage hormone problems.
Later that night I took the stool that was usually left in our back porch and while there was still noise going on (from the chaos of four kids getting ready for bed) and stuck it through my bedroom window and dropped it to the sidewalk and waited for everyone to settle in for the night. When everyone was settled in bed I slowly and noiselessly climbed out of my window and onto the stool that stood waiting to lead me to what I thought was going to be the best night of my life. I walked all the way out of my yard and into yours; all along my heart thumping, my mind racing, each step drawing me closer to you. I lifted my hand to knock on your door, and with one swift movement your hand grabbed mine and pulled me in the already opened door. You pulled me into your warm embrace and I know you could tell how nervous I was. Next thing I knew we were up against the wall and suddenly my nerves fell to the floor and draped around me like a freshly fallen skirt. I threw caution to the wind and let you kiss me and for the first time I felt like I mattered. To this day I don’t know if it was seconds…minutes…hours…lifetimes…that passed.
The one thing I’m sure of is you didn’t walk me home…or out of your yard…or even out of your door.
With the hard boom of your door closing behind me, the wind suddenly hit me in a different way. The short walk to my window was so different this time around. I stepped back on that stool that was once my sweet escape and I loathed it. I climbed back in and reached out to bring the stool back in; to erase all the evidence that this night even happened and as fate would have it at that very moment my step mom peered her ugly head out of her bedroom window to smoke her cigarette and saw the stool outside my window.
I was caught.
The next day as after my father berated me and told me what the consequences of my action were to be, he asked me:
was it worth it?
I’m still ashamed to say no.
Kiss begins with Kay 